Nov 2004

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<itemid>3996</itemid>

<eventtime>2004-11-05 11:32:00</eventtime>

<logtime>2004-11-05 16:59:49</logtime>

<subject>What is Mojo?</subject>

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Every week I take place in a gaming group with a group of friends that I have been hanging out with for years. Sometimes some of them go, and sometimes they come back, but we've managed to keep the thing going for a long time, and while the side political discussions can sometimes get a little heated (which is one of the best parts about the group as far as I'm concerned), I also find it...well, pardon the expression, an interesting experiment in humanity. <ljcut>There are many varied beliefs and expressions among us, and I find the opportunity to understand and listen to differing or slightly similar viewpoints fascinating. I like to think. I like to explore the truth from different angles. Its just part of who I am. Every other week, we play a role playing game alternating with a board or card game. Last night we played a game brought by a friend who isn't able to come as much anymore called "A Game of Thrones", based on the "Song of Ice and Fire" books by George R.R. Martin, which, along with the "Wild Card" books in which he was editor were some of my favorite books. I'll make a long story short by saying that the basics of the game were a mixture of combat, resources and intruige. The operative word there being intruige. You see I don't break alliances in games. This statement requires a bit more background, but basically when I was 18, I was involved in Electronic Bulliten Boards. I called it 'the internet before there was an internet' (even though the Internet actually existed in Darpanet and other weird primitive things, but as far as the world knew, it largely didn't exist). Back then there was a popular game called "Trade Wars" and I played with a group of friends, and together we did quite well, we essentially wiped out all of the other players and crushed them like 'the insects they were'...however, to be honest I felt bad for the other players. I have no rationalle for this, I simply did...and since I felt that we had honestly 'won' anyway, I emptied our base of a lot of materials and deliberately weakened us so the other players would have a fighting chance. As a result, we won but it was much harder, but MORE importantly, as a result I lost friendships. I lost at least three or four very good friends who lost all trust for me as a result. There is nothing I value above my friendships save my family and my spirituality. And as a result, I SWORE I would never repeat that mistake in a game again. And I haven't. I am not weak. I often win games. I am quite capable of strategic deception, and have a very good poker face. I can make it seem like I am losing when in fact I am only a few turns away. However, I also have one critical flaw; when I make a deal in a game, I stick to it...always. From time to time I will break an alliance, but I always give fair warning. This has its advantages and its disadvantages; the advantage is that generally ALL of the other players are willing to make deals with me because they know I won't break them. Furthermore, because my strategy is usually retaliatory vs agressive (ie I only play my 'screw you' cards if you attack me) I am quite often left alone long enough to build up my forces. On the other hand, the group I am in tends to have a very short attention span. We will often put an arbitrary time deadline on when the game ends, which makes the long term strategies I employ to win far less likely to succeed. It is very diffuclt to say, "I would have won if we'd gone to the end of the game" when, the truth is, that IS the game. The point of a lot of this is that I often consider games, like art, an insightful reflection on life. Morality is a strength...but it is also a weakness. I do not like to shove my morality down other people's throats, and yet often times I feel I am doing so simply by having it. I will sometimes say, "I am sorry", not because I am apologizing for my beliefs, but because I am sorry that my convinctions are making you uncomfortable. I have no intention of changing my convictions because they make you uncomfortable, but I am under no illusion that anything I can say or do will change your mind...people have free will, and no matter how much they will tell you otherwise, they are the ones who choose what it is they want to believe. "Nice Guys Finish Last." I am not "nice"...not anymore. I strive to be kind, benevolent, trustworthy, helpful, reverant, friendly, honorable, just, loving and merciful, but 'nice' is not required in any code of ethics to which I subscribe (that I am aware of...nowhere in scripture does it say, "Thou Shalt Be Nice.") I am a student of history. If you do not have the strength to back up your position in any and all areas then you are asking yourself to be attacked. "God helps those who help themselves" or "God is on the side of those with the largest armies". I do not, of course, believe that...(the latter....) but at the same time I do not believe that there is anything wrong with having self confidence. This is, I admit, an issue with which I have struggled a great deal. I need to believe in myself, I need to have courage and project force of will, but I do not want to do so at the expense of others. I do not want to crush the rights of others simply because I feel like it. One could argue that this is "Nice", but I disagree. "Nice" to me is what I did to my friends back when I took their ships out of their base...in otherwords, "Nice" is stupid because of an arbitrary and often highly skewed perspective of reality. "Fair" and "Nice" are not the same thing. "Mojo" is a kind of power, a kind of leadership, and I admit is something I've tried to figure out how to bottle. Quite often, "the alpha male" is something that is ascribed to people like Donald Trump or other leaders in history. If you took Donald Trump away from his money, and no one recognized him, do you honestly think he would have any difficulty regaining his money or power? Personally I don't think so...because he has that untangible quality 'mojo'....It is true he has a lot of knowledge of many things that help, but there are many other people who have knowledge of finance or how to make connections that never advance at all in life. The first question, of course, would be, why is this important to me? Isn't that a kind of a shallow thing? Well, first, I have personal reasons for wanting to attract this quality to myself, the details of which I shall not go into here...but the secondary reason is because I want to help people. I believe in doing good in the world, and I believe that I am capable of more myself, capable of being a leader, then I am thus capable of doing more. The second question then, and my personal question of the day is...are Morals and "Mojo" exclusive? Personally I would have to say...no. Christophere Reeves had Charmisa, and certainly he had 'mojo' once he had had his accident...did he have it before? Perhaps, though not quite as much. Then again, I have always observed that he has had 'mojo'. Innate power of personality, the belief in ones self and one's cause are not exclusive of morality at all. Ghandi was, by all my observations, a quiet and reserved individual yet he was able through force of will, personal conviction and 'mojo' able to change the fate of millions...and he wasn't selfish in how he did it at all. So the final question is...if it is possible to have 'mojo' with morality...why do the vast MAJORITY of the people that have it ascribed to people with a lack of morals or at best flawed morals? I have no intention of abandoning my morality, but I admit I have never quite figured out how you bottle 'power of personality'...I think I spark it sometimes...there was a poor librarian the other day when I was asking about a computer who seemed very frieghtened by my presence when I talked to her, I did not intentionally raise my voice, and I am a very large person, but on the other hand random people will often trust me by walking up to me on the street and asking for help....it is a flickering thing for me, sometimes I have it, and sometimes I don't...sometimes I THINK I have it, and I am, in fact making a royal fool of myself, and sometimes I think I have done the worst job in the world at something and (appearantly given the statements of others) changed lives permanently for the better.... What is the answer? I do not know. And so I come back, at last to time. In the long run, I think my 'never break an alliance' strategy succeeds...but at the same time...life has a finite amount of time. So often, I am able to acheive success only at great personal cost, and only to enjoy success only for a very VERY brief period of time, only to have to climb back down the mountain after climbing all the way up. Many people with my limited abilities would simply turn back and spend their time relaxing....climbing it is VERY HARD work...nothing comes without pain or sacrifice, and to do all that for a few split seconds of view seems folly...but when you believe that it is is in fact for the climb itself that you do it, you understand the context... And yet the fact does not change...what is...is. I am who I am, and despite my efforts, I am usually only able to view the top of the mountain for a very brief period of time before I have to climb back down...unless, I suppose, I were climbing on my own, but what is the point of that, and would I have made it there without encouragemnt?</ljcut> The last two paragraphs probably do not make sense without yet more explanation...then again, given that this entire statement has largely been introspection, I'll save those for another time as well...

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<itemid>4580</itemid>

<eventtime>2004-11-23 13:35:00</eventtime>

<logtime>2004-11-23 18:42:14</logtime>

<subject>Twin Dualities</subject>

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By Emit Other He who lies Lies. He who tells the truth Lies. But not as much.<lj-cut> What a conundrum is this? No one can have the truth. Because no one is perfect. If no one is perfect Then no one can know Perfect Truth. I am a Genetic Freakshow. A twist upon Twist upon Twisted Mutation. I'm just as screwed up as everyone else. My truth is not your truth. But my truth is different than your truth. I might look the same. Talk the Same. Walk the Same. Seem the Same. But I'm not the same. I see through my eyes what you don't. That's just the way it is. Genetics doesn't care about you. Gravity doesn't care about you. Spontaneous Mutations Abound. Does that make me better? Certainly not. It does make me different. Outside the outsiders. Alone. Eternally so. But I drop by for tea from time to time. Perhaps we'll talk about gravitics. Or fallen wishing stars. I see truth. I don't see your truth. Or all the truth. But my truth is not your truth. If something isn't true then its a lie. Right? Or is it? Is my existance a lie just because it doesn't match your truth? Gravity doesn't think so. Genetics doesn't care. Build up your lies Into the air. Watch them crumble Watch them crash See all your wishes Like so much ash Exist upon the sunlit moon Entropic disonance coming soon To a Theater Near You for $4.95 And it sucks. But Gravity does care about you. And neither does genetics. Take it from someone who knows. I am a freakshow and I kind of like it. But not enough not to care. Just enough to know I am what I am. And that's all there is to it.</lj-cut>

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<entry>

<itemid>4718</itemid>

<eventtime>2004-11-30 12:08:00</eventtime>

<logtime>2004-11-30 17:09:14</logtime>

<subject>Dangerous Pathways</subject>

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Dangerous Pathways by T. Craig Drake I'm standing on a Soap Box Inside of a Broom Closet In the basement of a dreary apartment building Downtown. <lj-cut> No one hears what I am saying Yet somehow I believe that by screaming I am changing the metaphysical sway Of the Universe. One molecule at a time. The world must listen to me. I am important. I have something to say. I rant and rave about the Pragmatic indifference of reality And then defy it by daring it to prove me wrong. I live in a state of constant wonder For everything is a pleasant dream When you see the dark in every shadow. But thats what shadows are. They are dark. And the world is full of them. The Cult of Innocence Bubbles forth from the Id. what is this crystalline gem of fetid pain? It is the reminder of everything that I am not. It is a heavy chain which weighs upon my neck Dragging me toward a duty I cannot fulfill. I define who I am Yet that definition is entropic. Dangerous Travels Always begin with the first and only step We hope for something better Knowing ultimately it will never be there We arrive and glory in our disappointment And then revel in the nostalgia of the past. Yet I challenge you this- The past is made up of disused tomorrows And so the dream is always out of view Yet its still worth pursuing For the moment we sigh and say "That was the right choice." Even when it was the wrong one.</lj-cut>

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