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<livejournal>
<entry>
<itemid>5129</itemid>
<eventtime>2005-01-09 00:36:00</eventtime>
<logtime>2005-01-09 06:05:33</logtime>
<subject>The Answers You Seek You Shall Not Easily Find</subject>
<event>
Main Entry: in·san·i·ty Pronunciation: in-'san-&t-E Function: noun Inflected Form: plural -ties 1 a : a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia) and usually excluding such states as mental retardation, psychoneurosis, and various character disorders b : a mental disorder 2 : such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility fugue ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fyg) n. 1. Music. An imitative polyphonic composition in which a theme or themes are stated successively in all of the voices of the contrapuntal structure. 2. Psychiatry. A pathological amnesiac condition during which one is apparently conscious of one's actions but has no recollection of them after returning to a normal state. This condition, usually resulting from severe mental stress, may persist for as long as several months. <lj-cut> Writers who write about writers lessen their work. This is because a writer is a reflector, as are all artists. Ever make a copy of copy? Such is the nature of all art. To write too much about writing is simply to define a thing itself. There are exceptions to this, as there are exceptions to everything, however the general rule of the exception is wisdom on the subject itself. Specifically, for example, I found "On Writing" by Steven King to be particularly insightful. So profound in fact tha t it provided the missing mental component I needed to begin writing on a regular basis. Fact: Two of the people I respect most in the world have recently made very profound statements to me. 1)"Tom...you are the most real person I know." 2)"Tom...you work harder than anyone else I know." What do I work at? What do I seek? What does any writer seek? What does anyone seek? Answers. Meaning. Definition. Why does poetry mean so little to me except when I write it, but I never deginerate the poetry of others because I know it means so much to them, yet others find such meaning in what I write? It is because I'm different. No. Really. Not 'I am the long lost peasant son of the king' different. Not "I am the next Steven Hawking" different. I'm just different. Here are some things I know about my difference. I am just smart enough to know how truly stupid I am. I am start enough that most people think I am, except really smart people who secretly inside don't think I am, but say that I am because they enjoy talking to me and because a part of them knows that I know how smart they are, and that I want to be that smart and this gives them comfort. But mainly its because I'm a nice guy. I'm a nice guy because I try to be a nice guy. Didn't I just rant earlier about not being a nice guy? Well today I am. I'm insane. I'm insane as define it. There are some works that have profound works upon me. That make me thing, that make me look at the world in a much deeper sense. This is the untapped quality of all great work that all writers seek to harness. I would daresay all artists. I can empathize and project enough to believe this, but since I have only barely begun to tap the other spheres of the Muse I can only surmise, and yet I am fairly sure that I am right. Why do I go on about myself? It is so that you will understand that while I am crazy, I am also sane, that you will take interest in my words and that in some etherial manner I will take comfort in trying to write them, in trying to understand them myself And yet I must filter through the dozen images in my mind to give them meaning to you. Often I choose poetry, an yet this is poetry, but poetry of shards of thought rather than little bits of words that you can define as you want them to be defined. This is the poetry of reality. I am trying to help you see what I see when I stare into space pondering the nature of the universe. This is not all I see, most of the time it is banal, mundane, silly or profound. This is the most profound of the things that I can verify for you. I will say this once, and only once, because I have to say it this way, and I will never say it this way again, I might say it but you won't understand it and you won't really care but you'll look back at it and wonder. Why do they write the movies the way the do? What is so fascinating about "The Mothman Propheies" "White Noise" or movies that tickle the imagination but never really define anything.....some moives come very close to that untapped vein, but do not touch it. I feel mself slipping into an abyss of unspeakable thoughts and words, manifesting a part of my brain that you can only barely understand. It is late. I am tired. I have recently been under stress. Use these to mollify yourself. Why do you like HP Lovecraft? Why do so many artist resort to drugs to reach down into that thing that is so much like sleep to touch the deeper meaning they hope/believe/know is there? Why are true prophets often thought madmen and when does the cycle complete itself in a way that the Engineer and the Esoteric Etherial (yes I used that twice) Poet can find common ground? Common imagery in literature....the coin. Two sides. Heads. Tails. Third option is the edge. It is almost impossible to acheive, but THEORETICALLY, the coin can touch the floor....it spins and it spins. Losing it, losing the grasp on the idea, the thoughts and sounds of the waking world making it hard to hold onto, but for the sake of what is I try to help you understand the wonder. To help you understand what they are really talking about at the end of "Our Town" in the graveyard when the dead speak about Poets and Lovers if you are really Paying Attention. Images in reality come up again and again, because they are part of a coin. My sister told me once, "It is easier to believe than not to believe." I agreed with her, but she did not believe me. Why? Because belief and Belief are not the same thing. What I believe is not the same thing as what other people believe. What is Is. One side of the coin is belief. You see meaning in all things. You see God. You see a world that is flat and goes all the way from one end of the coin to the other end. Once side of the coin is Not-Belief. It is doubt. It is what I can see with my senses. It is tangible. It is daylight. It is truth, and it is wonderful. It is also Flat. I am fairly sure statistically speaking heads come up a slightly higher percentage of the time than do tails. There are a number of factors to include this, primarily (if I recall correctly) having to do with the subtle distribution of weight on the coin and areadymamics. It IS harder to get Not belief than to belief. But not by much. Not compared to Belief. Belief as I define it is - to quote Dirk Gently ..I cannot find the quote...but read the book...and the meaning is slipping... But know this...Somebod I said told me I was the most real person they know..and someone else said I work hard at it...and I Believe.... Have you ever wondered why no one ever gets photos of aliens, or the loch ness monster? belief would tell you its a conspiracy or they are they but they're just coming close to the truth an d it is a matter of time. god will save me. he wants me to wear a blue sweater today. he has chosen the person who i am supposed to marry. Non Belief Will Tell You That Occums Razor Says That These People Are Just Being Stupid. Sure From Time To Time There Are Things Like Celicanth, But That Is Just Straws Used By People Who believe Looking For An Answer. Belief tells you that the coin does spin on the edge, but the coin isn't easily going to sit like that very long and even if you pick it up and put it on the table with your hand its going to roll around a lot or the wind could blow over, or even in a big dry dusty room with no wind and no people it could theoretically sit on its side for a very long time... But Who Cares? Its still a coin. I have Belief, but my Answers about Why don't mean anything to you. You probably believe or Don't Believe. I am not telling you this because I am BETTER than you. I am telling you this because I AM Different than you. I really am. I am not Better. Better would imply a standard by which I could judge. A)My Answers tell me that I have no right to judge. B)My Evidence tells me I have no basis. Here is the culimnation: From time to time you will look hard at the cracks in the walks of reality, and you will see things there that frighten you, but throughout all of time the consistancy has been that there are only more shadows and cracks when you squint and look harder there. There is something beyond Belief, belief and Not Belief. It is empathy. It is kindness. It is family. Don't let obsession with a coin change your life, because it is not just the coin but the CONTEXT of what the coin is doing. None of this probably makes sense. If it does, then it shouldn't. But it should hopefully make you think. For thinking is good. It almost always makes things better....but sometimes life is a little better when you let go and don't think too. Hope that helps. Probably doesn't. Have a nice day. Even at 1:09AM it's still Day somewhere. </lj-cut>
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<entry>
<itemid>5377</itemid>
<eventtime>2005-01-09 02:34:00</eventtime>
<logtime>2005-01-09 07:32:09</logtime>
<subject>I can also be an incredible jerk.</subject>
<event>
I am not going to erase the statement I just made, in part because some of the things I say that might be jerk like are not generally perceived by other people to be jerk like, and also because from time to time I like to leave things that are jerklike to prove to myself that I am not the Grand Supereme Tomness that I think I am. Thus, if you found the previous statement to be jerklike, you may at least be mollified in the statement that I am capable of thinking that I can act like a jerk, am concerned about it, and working to improve the situation.
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