This week’s Golden Quisling goes to none other than Amy Klobuchar, who’s managed to pull off a trifecta of ambition, abuse, and AIPAC allegiance so bald-faced it deserves a gilded bootlicker trophy.
The story? She reportedly encouraged Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to step aside rather than seek a third term—so she could run for it herself. This isn’t just any run. This is Gillibranding: the tactical self-promotion maneuver where a centrist Democrat feigns selflessness to upgrade their political power, knives out for anyone in the way. Walz, a sitting governor, becomes just another stepping stone.
But this isn’t new. Klobuchar’s been accused for years of mistreating her staff to such a degree that it became a whispered cautionary tale in D.C. intern circles. Forks thrown, reputations bruised, careers discarded. And nobody—not even her allies—really denies it. Because everyone knows. Abuse wrapped in a folksy Minnesota accent is still abuse.
And let’s not forget her foreign policy funders. Few Democrats toe the AIPAC line harder than Amy. If there's a war machine to fund or a blank check to cut, she’s already holding the pen.
Congratulations, Senator Klobuchar. For your quiet power grab, your proudly bipartisan cruelty, and your unwavering loyalty to the wrong donors at the worst time—you’ve earned it. This week, the Golden Quisling is yours. May it sit on your desk like a passive-aggressive Post-it from the voters you left behind.
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