A Totally Unnecessary Abomination: Archie Bunker and Doctor Who

"THE UNEXPECTED VISITOR"

DOCTOR WHO MEETS ARCHIE BUNKER

TWO PAGE SCRIPT

FADE IN:

INT. 704 HAUSER STREET - QUEENS, NY - EVENING

ARCHIE BUNKER sits in his chair, newspaper raised. EDITH flutters about dusting.

ARCHIE Edith, will ya stop with the cleaning already? You're stirring up more dust than you're gettin' rid of!

EDITH But Archie, I want the house to look nice for dinner. Mike and Gloria will be here any minute.

ARCHIE (groaning) Just what I need. Another evening with Meathead talking about saving the whales or whatever hippie cause he's on about this week.

A strange WHEEZING, GROANING sound comes from outside. The lights flicker.

EDITH Oh my! What was that? Is it the storm they predicted?

ARCHIE (lowering newspaper) Sounds like your meatloaf is fighting back in the kitchen.

A KNOCK at the door, three precise raps.

EDITH Now who could that be?

Edith hurries to the door. Archie huffs, folding his newspaper.

ARCHIE If that's one of them Jehovah's Witnesses again...

Edith opens the door to reveal THE DOCTOR, wild curly hair, teeth gleaming in a broad smile, impossibly long scarf draped around his neck.

THE DOCTOR Hello! I'm the Doctor. Terribly sorry to intrude, but my TARDIS seems to have materialized in your garden shed. Fascinating placement, though your garden gnome may never be the same.

EDITH (confused) Doctor? Doctor who?

THE DOCTOR (stepping inside uninvited) Just "the Doctor." And you must be...?

EDITH I'm Edith Bunker, and this is my husband Archie.

ARCHIE (rising from his chair) Hey, hey, hey! You can't just walk in here like you own the place. Who are you?

THE DOCTOR (offering a small bag) Jelly baby?

ARCHIE What?

THE DOCTOR (pulling out sonic screwdriver) Hmm, interesting readings. Temporal disturbance. Cybernetic signals. Oh dear, not good at all.

ARCHIE What the heck is that thing? Some kinda fancy thermometer?

THE DOCTOR Sonic screwdriver. Quite useful. Detects everything from alien technology to a poor cup of tea.

ARCHIE (to Edith) Call the cops. We got a lunatic in here.

THE DOCTOR (spinning around) Mr. Bunker, your planet is in grave danger. Well, a small portion of Queens, to be precise. Well, actually, just this street. Well, mostly your house.

ARCHIE My house? What's wrong with my house?

THE DOCTOR Nothing yet. But in approximately three minutes and forty-two seconds, a Cyberman scout party will arrive, looking to establish a base for their invasion of Earth.

EDITH (worried) Invasion? Oh my!

ARCHIE Listen here, Doctor Whatever-your-name-is, I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but—

The television turns on by itself, showing static. A metallic voice emerges.

CYBERMAN VOICE (O.S.) LOCATION OF THE DOCTOR CONFIRMED. PREPARE FOR CYBER-CONVERSION.

THE DOCTOR (grimly) They've found me faster than I expected. Clever metal men.

ARCHIE (pointing at TV) How'd you do that? Is this some kind of prank show? Am I on Candid Camera?

THE DOCTOR Mr. Bunker, I need your help. The Cybermen are coming, and for some reason, they're targeting this specific location.

ARCHIE My help? What can I do against robot men?

THE DOCTOR (studying Archie) You're stubborn, set in your ways, and utterly convinced of your own rightness in all matters.

ARCHIE (proud) Darn tootin'!

THE DOCTOR Which means you have exactly what we need - a mind nearly impossible to cyber-convert. They can't turn you into one of them if you refuse to change even the smallest opinion.

The front door BURSTS open. A CYBERMAN stands in the doorway, silver, imposing.

CYBERMAN YOU WILL BE UPGRADED.

EDITH (screaming) Archie!

ARCHIE (stepping forward) Now listen here, tin man! This is my house, and you can't just bust in here without an invitation! I don't care if you're made of metal or marshmallows!

THE DOCTOR (impressed) Brilliant! Keep talking to it, Mr. Bunker! Your particular brand of stubborn humanity confuses its logical circuits!

CYBERMAN (head tilting) ILLOGICAL HUMAN BEHAVIOR DETECTED. CANNOT PROCESS.

ARCHIE (building confidence) You're darn right it's illogical! And another thing - what kind of outfit is that? You look like a walking toaster!

The Cyberman takes a step back, its head moving erratically.

THE DOCTOR (to Edith) Mrs. Bunker, when I say run, head for the blue police box in your garden.

The Doctor aims his sonic screwdriver at the Cyberman.

THE DOCTOR Run!

The Doctor activates the sonic. The Cyberman's systems spark and smoke. The Doctor grabs Edith's hand, pulling her toward the back door.

ARCHIE Hey! Where are you taking my wife?

THE DOCTOR (over his shoulder) To safety, Mr. Bunker! Come along!

ARCHIE (following reluctantly) I ain't leaving my house because of some walking garbage can!

EXT. BUNKER BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

The TARDIS stands in the corner of the yard, blue light glowing. The Doctor rushes Edith toward it.

ARCHIE (catching up) That wasn't there this morning!

THE DOCTOR (unlocking the TARDIS) Inside, quickly!

The Doctor pushes Edith in, then Archie, following them and closing the door just as a second CYBERMAN appears in the yard.

INT. TARDIS - CONTINUOUS

Archie and Edith stand frozen, mouths agape at the impossible size of the control room.

EDITH (gasping) Oh my goodness!

ARCHIE (spinning around) What the heck? This... this ain't possible!

THE DOCTOR (rushing to the console) Time And Relative Dimension In Space - TARDIS for short. Yes, it's bigger on the inside. Everyone says that.

ARCHIE You mean this thing is some kinda spaceship?

THE DOCTOR Spaceship and time machine. Best ship in the universe.

ARCHIE (pointing accusingly) You're... you're a spaceman?

THE DOCTOR Time Lord, actually. From the planet Gallifrey.

ARCHIE (to Edith) That's it. I've finally lost my mind. I knew it would happen eventually after years of living with you.

THE DOCTOR (looking up with a manic grin) Mr. Bunker, how would you like to help me save the Earth? With your particular brand of stubborn humanity, you might be exactly what we need against these emotionless cyborgs.

ARCHIE (exasperated) Oh geez. All I wanted was a quiet evening at home. Is that too much to ask?

THE DOCTOR (activating controls) The universe rarely gives us what we want, Mr. Bunker. But it often gives us what we need. And right now, Queens needs Archie Bunker!

The TARDIS column begins to move. The ship DEMATERIALIZES with its familiar sound, leaving Archie's backyard empty except for a very confused Cyberman.

FADE OUT.

END OF SCRIPT